Aftershock – A Single Mom's Thoughts on an Empty Nest

This morning I was filling out a “Self-Reflections Survey” for an upcoming Leadership Conference I am attending with a friend. 

Many of the survey questions are centered on defining areas in life where one might be facing difficult issues or experiencing conflict or dissonance. “In what areas of your life are you avoiding taking action or making a decision?” was the first question. “Who pushes your buttons?” Also, “How supported do you feel at home?” and, “What changes do you want to make in your life?” followed. And one that made me chuckle, “What things or people are you currently tolerating that you wish would change?” I wondered if there was enough space to answer.

I couldn’t help but reflect on where I am now, versus about seven or eight years ago, when, as a parent to an only child – a girl, seven-years-old at the time – I was making the decision to split from my marriage. My answers would have been very different, probably more centered on my frustration with my marriage and my disappointment in myself for staying on the fence for so long about what to do – stay or leave. And if “leave” – when? Wait until my daughter gets to college? Half way through high school? Just after eighth grade graduation? When will it ever seem right to break people’s hearts and split up a home? When do I drop the bomb? I did not want to hurt the person to whom I was married. But how does one not take that kind of rejection personally? I knew I wanted my daughter, my little baby bird, to have a good model for what a healthy relationship and marriage should be and this was not it. I knew I wanted her living with me full time, thinking I know best what she needs. Eventually it became clear and I took action. I had no doubt it would be a challenge to be a single mom but expected I was capable and looked forward to our move and to making a comfortable nest for us. I knew there would be an adjustment period where my child may not be completely on board with having her father not living in the home or seeing him on a daily basis. So I made sure to keep her visits with her father as abundant and open to flexibility as possible, even if it inconvenienced me or made it difficult for me to have a personal life.

Fast-forward seven years post split. Now, my daughter is halfway through high school, getting great grades, enjoying her time with friends, and creating a vision of her own future, and seems completely at peace with her parent’s divorce. She didn’t let it define her as a victim. She even seems to appreciate the badge of fortitude society woefully bestows on kids of divorce who go on to thrive later in life. She came through things with flying colors, and it’s obvious she has a bright future ahead of her. And in a completely ironic turn of events, now I am the one feeling the loss, picking through the aftermath of the events, my personal Armageddon, and without her living with me in the nest I feathered. Talk about aftershock – I am the one who is now feeling the bomb drop – because as it would happen, despite the personal sacrifices, the feeling of intrusion and lack of privacy I experienced with having my ex-husband around and still very much a part of our lives in an attempt to make up for her not living with him full-time, once my daughter got into high school and entered her teen years, she found she prefers to live with her Dad instead of me. “Don’t take it so personally, Mom,” she once said when I implored her to stay, though I required she follow my stricter rules, curfews and dietary choices. “You had me, now it’s his turn.” Really? I had a time limit? I thought I had until she went away to college! This was too early for a mamma bird to hear! “I get my own bathroom, a bigger closet, and Dad will drive me everywhere and let me do what I want.” With an offer like that, what chance did I have?

So much like most parents of college-aged kids, I’m feeling the empty nest. And it feels REALLY empty some days. I keep her room ready for impromptu visits. I still buy enough groceries in case she might come by for dinner but I usually just end up with leftovers.  But now that it’s been about seven months without her in the nest, I’m ready to drop the injured bird, “woe is me” role and start living purposefully again, even if my direction has changed.
Now for a new flight plan – recalculating!

Back to my survey questions: “What percentage of your potential do you believe you are currently using/living, and why?” My answer now – 100 percent – full throttle ahead. Ready to fly!