Cruising Around with a False Sense of Entitlement

How Today’s Teens Get Their Learner’s Permit to Ego Driven Behaviors
It's often we hear that teens today have developed a false sense of entitlement. But who’s driving the bus and putting the fuel in the engine? Does this overinflated perception of privilege in teens find its roots in overpraising and overindulgence on the parents’ part? Is there a way to backtrack and deflate these egos we've pumped up?

Revving up a kids ego and acknowledging them for an impressive accomplishment go hand in hand. When our kids succeed, we applaud and approve and watch them beam with a sense of pride. But how do we measure triumph when it comes to the subtler proficiencies? Well-meaning intentions aside, while it’s encouraging to recognize and appreciate a child for performing a fairly basic activity, or completing a simple task, for instance, if it’s really something they should be doing as a matter of course, why do we find parents often gushing about these mediocre or predictable efforts? How are parents adding to the horsepower of these teens’ entitlement turbines?

Has anyone ever lauded you for a seemingly basic undertaking that you would have completed just as well with no one to compliment you? Have you ever received an award for something you had nothing to do with?  I recall when my daughter was enrolled in pre-K years ago I registered her for a T-Ball program with her classmates. Soon after, I found circumstances would prevent her from being able to attend any of the practices or games. At the end of the season, she was offered a sizeable trophy and invited to participate in the celebration. While it seemed a kind and friendly gesture, even my young daughter wondered why she would be getting a reward for something in which she did not participate. It’s possible my registration fee covered the cost of the engraved award, but it illustrated to me, as did our other experiences with team sports, that many times, kids are praised for doing very little, often in a well-meaning attempt to build confidence and self-esteem. It’s been dubbed the “rah-rah mentality.” Can a child derive a sense of satisfaction from being commended for something even they may question as inconsequential? And at what point do we run the risk that we are teaching them to focus on the reward?

This is a sensitive subject for parents, who innately feel pride and joy in their children’s milestones and accomplishments. You can be sure I was notably impressed and made quite a fuss back when my baby girl started to walk, and then became potty trained, rode her first bike, advanced in her academics, etc. I’ve experienced more pride in her accomplishments than I ever knew could be possible. Parents are geared to congratulate rites of passage and to act accordingly. And we want our children to develop self-esteem and to feel good about themselves. So what’s the tipping point?

Can we help nurture and encourage our kids in a way that we reward progress, success and excellence without the overindulgence that creates the pattern of entitlement? It’s natural for a parent to feel obligated to give to their child, but societal pressure can often motivate parents to overindulge their kids with material rewards like electronic gadgets and toys, vacations and cars, without doing much to earn them. They learn to expect it, regardless of their behavior or their parents’ financial situation. We used to call these teens spoiled brats. And they’re easy to identify with their likeness to many young adult, reality-based TV celebrities who have no apologies for their behaviors and expectations – role models for the teen generation. To what extent can we say that parents have been the enablers?

It’s not surprising that the attitude of many kids is “gimme” when they’ve been led to believe they’re entitled to “get.” They’ve grown to expect praise and reward from the local supplier that’s been the source of it since their birth. But when should adoring parents put it in neutral and let things roll? Maybe a child would gain more practical experience from a simple but genuine pat on the back and some quality affection without the double scoop of ice cream or the shopping spree, or the cold hard cash for good grades.

What does their future look like when they’ve been tuned up to expect material results and perks, sometimes from little output? What happened to accountability and a little dose of humility?  Perhaps parents can benefit and help their teens by committing to make an effort to break the pattern before their kids head out into the “real world,” where praise can be skimpy and rewards for good deeds and accomplishments can often be cut from the corporate budget.