“Hero” or “Human” – Which Would You Rather Your Child See When They Look At You?

As parents, we draw most of our working knowledge from our own experiences of how we were raised. We’ve grown to realize our mothers, fathers, grandparents and guardians taught us  many lessons, including some that may not have become apparent until years later. Parents’ responses to life events, major or inconsequential, all provide feedback for their children who go on to form beliefs. Kids develop a perceived sense for what’s right or wrong, good or bad, ‘okay or ‘no way.’ Since parents nurture, provide, and advise, young kids naturally tend to admire or are expected to consider them as their “Heroes.”

So what happens when you – the parent – fail at something – when you’ve downright screwed up as a grownup? How about when your child learns something unflattering about you, the one they are supposed to respect? Have your kids ever seen you knocked off the pedestal by your choices and their consequences? Can you go from “Hero” to “Zero?”

A few years back, at my daughter’s eighth-grade graduation, she presented me with a beautiful, symbolic red rose. Each child in the graduating class was sent out into the audience of family and friends. They were told to present the rose to the person in their life who they found to be most influential, the person they considered their hero. I watched as many of the young graduates went about the room, handing roses to their grandmothers, older siblings, dads, and mostly, to the moms who were present. It was very touching. I admit I expected it seemed natural I’d be the one to receive my daughter’s sentiment – but her father, grandparents and aunts were present – so I wondered if she might choose another role model than me. After all, the few years before had been tough for us as I fumbled along as a single mom, knowing not all of my actions and their repercussions were that of an ideal candidate for adoration. She ended up tangled in a few of the harder lessons in life that I had to experience. But I had done my best under complicated circumstances and I protected her from my foibles as much as possible.

As a parent learning on the job, it became very clear to me – I knew one thing I would always stand for and on which I would do my best to follow through – to be ‘human’ for her. I would always be as honest and ‘real’ as I could be for her – to be true to her – and to myself. And she told me in that moment as she passed the rose to me, “Mom, you deserve this. I love you so much, no matter what’s happened. You make me know I’m safe and it’s all going to be okay.”

So if someone asks me what’s the best thing you can teach your kids I can say from personal experience it would be to live by and teach your TRUTH, however messy or clumsy or unpopular it can get at times – because that’s real life. I won’t pretend to know more than I do and I won’t resort to attempts to impress my kid by being something that I’m not.

By showing kids accountability and responsibility when you’ve disappointed them or did not follow the example you upheld all along – you can be one of the best teachers they’ll ever have. It’s where authenticity counts. Maybe the best advice a “Hero” can follow when they’ve fallen or been knocked off their pedestal is to get back up, dust off their humiliation or embarrassment, stand tall in their space, acknowledge their learning curve and recompose themselves – and from that point move along with a renewed commitment to be their highest self, even if the tag that says “HUMAN” is peeking out from their collar.

Your child will learn from you no matter what. And by showing your “all-truism,” you may become their greatest hero – in time.

Cruising Around with a False Sense of Entitlement

How Today’s Teens Get Their Learner’s Permit to Ego Driven Behaviors
It's often we hear that teens today have developed a false sense of entitlement. But who’s driving the bus and putting the fuel in the engine? Does this overinflated perception of privilege in teens find its roots in overpraising and overindulgence on the parents’ part? Is there a way to backtrack and deflate these egos we've pumped up?

Revving up a kids ego and acknowledging them for an impressive accomplishment go hand in hand. When our kids succeed, we applaud and approve and watch them beam with a sense of pride. But how do we measure triumph when it comes to the subtler proficiencies? Well-meaning intentions aside, while it’s encouraging to recognize and appreciate a child for performing a fairly basic activity, or completing a simple task, for instance, if it’s really something they should be doing as a matter of course, why do we find parents often gushing about these mediocre or predictable efforts? How are parents adding to the horsepower of these teens’ entitlement turbines?

Has anyone ever lauded you for a seemingly basic undertaking that you would have completed just as well with no one to compliment you? Have you ever received an award for something you had nothing to do with?  I recall when my daughter was enrolled in pre-K years ago I registered her for a T-Ball program with her classmates. Soon after, I found circumstances would prevent her from being able to attend any of the practices or games. At the end of the season, she was offered a sizeable trophy and invited to participate in the celebration. While it seemed a kind and friendly gesture, even my young daughter wondered why she would be getting a reward for something in which she did not participate. It’s possible my registration fee covered the cost of the engraved award, but it illustrated to me, as did our other experiences with team sports, that many times, kids are praised for doing very little, often in a well-meaning attempt to build confidence and self-esteem. It’s been dubbed the “rah-rah mentality.” Can a child derive a sense of satisfaction from being commended for something even they may question as inconsequential? And at what point do we run the risk that we are teaching them to focus on the reward?

This is a sensitive subject for parents, who innately feel pride and joy in their children’s milestones and accomplishments. You can be sure I was notably impressed and made quite a fuss back when my baby girl started to walk, and then became potty trained, rode her first bike, advanced in her academics, etc. I’ve experienced more pride in her accomplishments than I ever knew could be possible. Parents are geared to congratulate rites of passage and to act accordingly. And we want our children to develop self-esteem and to feel good about themselves. So what’s the tipping point?

Can we help nurture and encourage our kids in a way that we reward progress, success and excellence without the overindulgence that creates the pattern of entitlement? It’s natural for a parent to feel obligated to give to their child, but societal pressure can often motivate parents to overindulge their kids with material rewards like electronic gadgets and toys, vacations and cars, without doing much to earn them. They learn to expect it, regardless of their behavior or their parents’ financial situation. We used to call these teens spoiled brats. And they’re easy to identify with their likeness to many young adult, reality-based TV celebrities who have no apologies for their behaviors and expectations – role models for the teen generation. To what extent can we say that parents have been the enablers?

It’s not surprising that the attitude of many kids is “gimme” when they’ve been led to believe they’re entitled to “get.” They’ve grown to expect praise and reward from the local supplier that’s been the source of it since their birth. But when should adoring parents put it in neutral and let things roll? Maybe a child would gain more practical experience from a simple but genuine pat on the back and some quality affection without the double scoop of ice cream or the shopping spree, or the cold hard cash for good grades.

What does their future look like when they’ve been tuned up to expect material results and perks, sometimes from little output? What happened to accountability and a little dose of humility?  Perhaps parents can benefit and help their teens by committing to make an effort to break the pattern before their kids head out into the “real world,” where praise can be skimpy and rewards for good deeds and accomplishments can often be cut from the corporate budget.

Out of the Mouths of Teens

Most parents of teens will agree that kids today feel very free to express themselves without fear of consequence or discipline and with what seems full confidence in their opinions and beliefs. My teenaged daughter’s “isms” and observations have always served to impress, entertain, challenge or infuriate me (in equal amounts). Whether I agree with them or not, some of her statements have kept me thinking for days due to their sheer honesty, unique perspective and often, comedic delivery.

Since she has spent the last year living mainly with her father instead of me, I have missed many of her classic daily quotes. But on a recent hike through the woods with my daughter, I got a huge dose of her current vision when I asked about her reasons for choosing to live with her dad and not her mom.

I wondered why she seemed so much more at ease with her father’s style of parenting while being so resistant to mine. I really pressed as to why she preferred living with him, knowing that much of it had to do with her locale to her friends and school, and her father’s willingness to chauffeur her and give her freedoms I was not as comfortable about.  I wanted to know why she was so willing to “behave” for him when she lives under his roof while her days spent with me seem to be filled with constant drama, non-compliance and all-around misery and complaining. While her father claims she listens, cleans up after herself and goes to bed on time without argument, my experiences parenting her have been from a parallel universe. It’s as if we are raising two different kids. Perhaps we are…

She already had an answer to my questions all mapped out in her own unique perspective, which turns out, she came up with from her interpretations to her exposure to some biblical teachings. “Mom, it’s like this,” she started, “Dad doesn’t sweat the small stuff like you. He’s got fewer rules. As long as I get good grades and clean up, I know he loves me.” She continued, “You pick on me for stupid things, and you’re on me about everything, but sometimes you’re cute when you worry. I can say anything to you and you’ll get over it. I know you’ll love me no matter what. So I guess you see my worst side, because I know you’ll always forgive me.” Her biblical reference? “Dad’s like the God of the Old Testament, you know, fire and brimstone if I screw up. You’re like Jesus, from the New Testament, friendly, ‘turn-the-other-cheeky.’ You’re not allowed to not love me.”

I was perplexed. While it felt somewhat of a relief to be the one compared to the hipster version of the big guy upstairs, it didn’t make sense she could warrant living with a force that could part seas if she violated protocol. And it seemed a contradiction to imply I was unreasonable with my concerns and rules yet easy-going and Jesus-like at the same time. And I know she wouldn’t utter some of the things she’s said to me if Jesus showed up to delegate. She dared to add, “You cook and clean for me and love me and worry about me because you’re a mom. That’s what you’re supposed to do.” Further confused, I continued my line of questioning, “You’d rather live with fire and brimstone than with Wilma Flintstone?” Didn’t that seem contraindicated here?

“It’s just easier right now, Mom.”  She attempted to reason further, “He’s simple, and you’re just too complicated.”

And so it goes.

WHY ARE THERE STILL LITTERBUGS? Time to Dump on Trash Tossers

What would happen if a child never saw a piece of litter on the ground, or never saw a grown-up toss a piece of garbage out the car window – a scrunched-up bag from a convenience or fast-food store, a cigarette butt, even an apple core – would a kid come up with that idea on their own and jettison their refuse with no regard for the impact on the landscape or the driver behind them? Would they resist the impulse and wait until they found a proper receptacle to discard their trash responsibly?  What inspires a person to simply throw something on the ground if they are done with it? Do they think a litter fairy comes to pick it up? Is it considered “biodegradable”? BTW, cigarette butts do NOT just disintegrate!

Maybe I’m dating myself using the word “Litterbug” to describe these pesky culprits. Apparently, a litter bug is a type of giant burrowing cockroach, and is not actually a true bug in nature. But litterbugs, as I have known them, have always bugged me! And it seems they are still an abundant species. I just don’t get why such a simple concept of keeping our public spaces clean is so often disregarded. It’s careless and lazy behavior with an impact that affects our communities and our world, beyond just spoiling a pretty picture.

While I don’t expect a young child to understand that roadside garbage affects property values and costs businesses and governments money, responsible adults can certainly model their personal obligation not to litter and teach about environmental consequences and encourage a sense of pride in maintaining the beauty of public spaces, walkways, beaches and parks. It seems many folks figure someone else will clean up after them. And that’s what the kids pick up – or don’t pick up, as the case may be.

I’ve witnessed countless acts of blatant littering, many of which included a parent flinging their garbage aside right in front of their children – can’t think of how many times I’ve been traveling behind a car on a roadway and had a lit cigarette end up on my hood or under my car. Statistics show cigarette butts are the most littered item on US roadways. And it’s not just smokers. I recall walking to my car in a store parking lot when a young teen in the passenger seat of a vehicle parked next to mine discarded a candy wrapper of some kind out her window and it landed at my feet. With my own child as witness, I picked up the piece of trash, small as it was, and returned it to the debutant litterbug as her mother sat in the driver’s seat, tight-lipped. “You dropped this,” I told her, and then pointed out the garbage cans on the way into the store that she could use. I wondered what her room looked like at home.

In an age where we make efforts to recycle our plastic and aluminum containers and reuse shopping bags, and there are positive groups uniting for environmental awareness campaigns and beach sweeps, it seems time that a message to our kids regarding a more responsible attitude of putting garbage in its proper place should not go to waste.

WEATHERING THROUGH THE FACEBOOK FACTOR

My daughter is fourteen and married to a boy she barely knows – on Facebook that is. And even though I recall giving birth just once, she apparently has numerous siblings listed as well, friends and classmates who are all considered part of her family, albeit an online version that departs from reality.

If you’re reading this post, it’s likely you are active on some type of online social or business networking site.  If you have a Facebook account, odds are you have “friends” who have found you from days past; high school or college pals who you somehow fell out of touch with when handwritten communication seemed so laborious and time consuming and being “just a phone call away” got further and further from our weekly routines. You might even be linked to a few people who you may not have known well at all or have never met personally, but with whom you now may be exchanging occasional friendly banter on your “wall.”

Facebook is quite a phenomenon, a supernatural sensation that has truly stormed into our lives and seems here to stay for the foreseeable future. And any parent with a young teen on Facebook could agree it is more of an enigma, a sometimes supernatural disaster, reeking havoc in households, with the power to sink “friend”ships, and expose sensitive layers of our personal information.

Trailing in the wake of this modern wave of online social interaction is the potential for plenty of TMI moments and digital faux pas. Fun as it may be for the kids, Facebook has become yet another activity a parent has to manage and keep watch over. First, the profile image – often able to be viewed by the world with a simple Google search – parents should consider the content of this thumbnail-sized sneak preview. My daughter recently had a profile image of herself posing with “The Naked Cowboy,” a NYC fixture who dons not much more than star-studded briefs, a pair of cowboy boots and a hat while posing with those who come upon him in the city. I’ve seen my own Facebook friends with pictures of themselves with this same guy and have chuckled. But campy as the shot was, I sure didn’t have a comfort level about my teenage daughter in the frame with this dude shown in all his glory as he picked her up in his arms for a grip and grin. Suffice it to say, she was not on the same “page” when I asked her to remove it, as she didn’t see any harm. All I could picture was the admissions review committee of whatever university she might apply to holding up that shot of her with the Western Wonder and giving her a big “Nay” on her application.

Next thing on the checklist – the status updates. Kids, like many adults, are utilizing Facebook as an outlet for opinions and personal expression, and we all know that words can have the power to hurt or offend, and discretion is a learned skill in the university of life. Sticks and stones may break bones but Facebook posts can really hurt. There have been plenty of headlines in the news about bullying on Facebook and even tragic consequences resulting from online jousting.

Relationship status updates are a quirky feature to consider. You don’t need a license to be married. And you can opt out of describing an unfavorable scenario in your lovelife by choosing, “It’s complicated,” which often baits Facebook friends to want more of the scoop. Apparently, for those who “really” are dating someone, and who happen to have that noted on their profile, if the relationship ends, one is supposed to immediately go to Facebook to change that status, and then the comments ensue, often along with the official side-taking. Once a more private matter, a breakup is now VERY public, and can become a Facebook frenzy, especially with teens who often thrive on he said-she said dramas.

Another sticky spot to handle is the ability for users to block posts, so a parent may be totally unaware of certain activity. Many teens have two Facebook pages – one that the parents are privy to and yet another that displays the R-rated stuff. And I mean RAUNCHY!  Wow, there are some cringe-worthy posts and pictures that are bound to qualify as skeletons in the closet for these kids at some point in their adult lives.

Lastly, there’s the good old “LIKE” button, a digital thumbs up that gives some quick supportive feedback without need for elaboration.  I’m thinking the jury is still out on whether to “like” the concept of Facebook for teens.

“Mocktails” – Mixed Drinks or Mixed Messages?

My daughter is about to attend her first high school prom. And with all the excitement that seems to go along with the trimmings to such an event in a teenage girl’s mind – the dress, the hair, the flowers, the fun, the friends – and, apparently, the limo?! – comes just as much concern for the parents, who might worry about possible alcohol use and other temptations. They might be somewhat assuaged to see the “contract” of sorts that the school sends home for all parents and prom attendees to sign, which sets very clear consequences for anyone who violates school policies against use of illegal substances or alcohol, or for other “misconduct,” before, during, or even after the event. They hold the kids AND their parents accountable. This school means business. And administration follows through with enforcing policy. While the discussions take place between parent and child over expectations for appropriate behavior, still, many teens can find themselves along for the ride when the festivities get all too festive.

It got me thinking about where it all started that we associate parties with drinking, and um, ‘partying.’ Who can’t think of an era in civilization depicted in film or historic records where groups gathered for a celebration or meal and didn’t pour some bubbly or grog and hold up a glass, or a stein, or a coconut shell or peace pipe? My daughter might point out cheekily that even Jesus made sure to have wine at events and dinner parties.

I recall a family get-together where the grownups were sitting down for a meal, some with glasses of wine, with the children among us at the table. It had been a while since we had all gotten together and a toast was suggested. We all raised our glasses and started “clanking,” across the table, side to side. I was seated next to my youngest niece, less than two, in her booster seat, and found myself hesitating – until I realized she and her siblings and cousins were right in on the toast! There she was, with her impish grin and twinkling blue eyes, mimicking her elders, “Teers!!” she softly squeaked, as she banged her sippy cup into my stemware filled with Pinot Noir. I quickly wiped the puddle of red wine from her food tray and dabbed a wet napkin to get the stain off her floral romper. As endearing as the moment seemed, I wondered, “should we ACTUALLY be showing them this?” I looked around and saw that no one else seemed put-off, and in fact, the parents and kids were toasting and re-toasting, getting a real kick out of this expression of unity and celebration. “Drink up!” My nephew jested, to a round of chuckles. It was interesting to observe.

That wasn’t the only time I watched an episode of “Cheers.” A few years ago, on the evening of my daughter’s 8^th grade graduation dinner dance, parents were kindly invited to gather at a home of one of the girls for photographs. There they were, each of the girls, looking so pretty and dolled up for this right of passage, posing for pictures, holding up the finest crystal our hostess had filled with sparkling cider, toasting in unison for the photo-op. It didn’t escape the girls it was a simulation of a champagne toast as they joked about their glassfuls of “bubbly.”  They loved feeling “as if” they were all grown up. They were having a blast. It appeared the group in attendance thought it harmless enough.

Mind you, as a child I thought it was quite special to be taken to dinner with my grandparents, as they made sure to order my sister and me Shirley Temples, while my brother got the Roy Rogers. My own daughter used to order a Shirley Temple with extra cherries if we went out, but now she thinks she’s outgrown them. The savvy restaurant trend has been to offer the option of  “virgin” daiquiris for non-drinkers or the kiddies – and they can charge even more than they do for a glass of ice with cherry-colored soda!

I dunno. Maybe I’m just making a mountain out of a “Mock”tail. But perhaps teen drinking may not be so much a poor decision on a teen’s part that adults are compelled to warn and discipline against so much as an understandable mirroring of a societal behavior we’ve been modeling all along??

Aftershock – A Single Mom's Thoughts on an Empty Nest

This morning I was filling out a “Self-Reflections Survey” for an upcoming Leadership Conference I am attending with a friend. 

Many of the survey questions are centered on defining areas in life where one might be facing difficult issues or experiencing conflict or dissonance. “In what areas of your life are you avoiding taking action or making a decision?” was the first question. “Who pushes your buttons?” Also, “How supported do you feel at home?” and, “What changes do you want to make in your life?” followed. And one that made me chuckle, “What things or people are you currently tolerating that you wish would change?” I wondered if there was enough space to answer.

I couldn’t help but reflect on where I am now, versus about seven or eight years ago, when, as a parent to an only child – a girl, seven-years-old at the time – I was making the decision to split from my marriage. My answers would have been very different, probably more centered on my frustration with my marriage and my disappointment in myself for staying on the fence for so long about what to do – stay or leave. And if “leave” – when? Wait until my daughter gets to college? Half way through high school? Just after eighth grade graduation? When will it ever seem right to break people’s hearts and split up a home? When do I drop the bomb? I did not want to hurt the person to whom I was married. But how does one not take that kind of rejection personally? I knew I wanted my daughter, my little baby bird, to have a good model for what a healthy relationship and marriage should be and this was not it. I knew I wanted her living with me full time, thinking I know best what she needs. Eventually it became clear and I took action. I had no doubt it would be a challenge to be a single mom but expected I was capable and looked forward to our move and to making a comfortable nest for us. I knew there would be an adjustment period where my child may not be completely on board with having her father not living in the home or seeing him on a daily basis. So I made sure to keep her visits with her father as abundant and open to flexibility as possible, even if it inconvenienced me or made it difficult for me to have a personal life.

Fast-forward seven years post split. Now, my daughter is halfway through high school, getting great grades, enjoying her time with friends, and creating a vision of her own future, and seems completely at peace with her parent’s divorce. She didn’t let it define her as a victim. She even seems to appreciate the badge of fortitude society woefully bestows on kids of divorce who go on to thrive later in life. She came through things with flying colors, and it’s obvious she has a bright future ahead of her. And in a completely ironic turn of events, now I am the one feeling the loss, picking through the aftermath of the events, my personal Armageddon, and without her living with me in the nest I feathered. Talk about aftershock – I am the one who is now feeling the bomb drop – because as it would happen, despite the personal sacrifices, the feeling of intrusion and lack of privacy I experienced with having my ex-husband around and still very much a part of our lives in an attempt to make up for her not living with him full-time, once my daughter got into high school and entered her teen years, she found she prefers to live with her Dad instead of me. “Don’t take it so personally, Mom,” she once said when I implored her to stay, though I required she follow my stricter rules, curfews and dietary choices. “You had me, now it’s his turn.” Really? I had a time limit? I thought I had until she went away to college! This was too early for a mamma bird to hear! “I get my own bathroom, a bigger closet, and Dad will drive me everywhere and let me do what I want.” With an offer like that, what chance did I have?

So much like most parents of college-aged kids, I’m feeling the empty nest. And it feels REALLY empty some days. I keep her room ready for impromptu visits. I still buy enough groceries in case she might come by for dinner but I usually just end up with leftovers.  But now that it’s been about seven months without her in the nest, I’m ready to drop the injured bird, “woe is me” role and start living purposefully again, even if my direction has changed.
Now for a new flight plan – recalculating!

Back to my survey questions: “What percentage of your potential do you believe you are currently using/living, and why?” My answer now – 100 percent – full throttle ahead. Ready to fly!